Emotional Intelligence (EQ)
FIVE KEY SKILLS FOR RAISING
YOUR EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE
Emotional intelligence (EQ) is a different
type of intelligence. It’s about being “heart smart,” not just “book smart.”
The evidence shows that emotional intelligence matters just as much as
intellectual ability, if not more so, when it comes to happiness and success in
life. Emotional intelligence helps you build strong relationships, succeed at
work, and achieve your goals.
The skills of emotional intelligence can be
developed throughout life. You can boost your own “EQ” by learning how to
rapidly reduce stress, connect to your emotions, communicate nonverbally, use
humor and play to deal with challenges, and defuse conflicts with confidence
and self-assurance.
IN THIS
ARTICLE:
What is emotional intelligence?
Emotional
intelligence is the ability to identify, use, understand, and manage your
emotions in positive and constructive ways. It's about recognizing your own
emotional state and the emotional states of others. Emotional intelligence is
also about engaging with others in ways that draw people to you.
Emotional intelligence consists of four core
abilities:
§ Self-awareness –
The ability to recognize your own emotions and how they affect your thoughts
and behavior, know your strengths and weaknesses, and have self-confidence.
§ Self-management –
The ability to control impulsive feelings and behaviors, manage your emotions
in healthy ways, take initiative, follow through on commitments, and adapt to
changing circumstances.
§ Social awareness –
The ability to understand the emotions, needs, and concerns of other people,
pick up on emotional cues, feel comfortable socially, and recognize the power
dynamics in a group or organization.
§ Relationship management – The ability to develop and maintain good
relationships, communicate clearly, inspire and influence others, work well in
a team, and manage conflict.
Emotional Intelligence (EQ) vs. Intellectual Intelligence (IQ)
Most of us have
learned not to trust our emotions. We've been told emotions distort the more
“accurate” information our intellect supplies. Even the term “emotional” has
come to mean weak, out of control, and even childish. "Don't be a
baby!" we say to the little boy who is crying on the playground.
"Leave him alone! Let him work it out!" we admonish the little girl
who runs to help the little boy.
On the other hand,
our abilities to memorize and problem-solve, to spell words and do mathematical
calculations, are easily measured on written tests and slapped as grades on
report cards. Ultimately, these intellectual abilities dictate which college
will accept us and which career paths we‘re advised to follow.
However, intellectual intelligence (IQ) is usually
less important in determining how successful we are than emotional intelligence
(EQ). We all know people who are academically brilliant and yet are socially
inept and unsuccessful. What they are missing is emotional intelligence.
Most of us know that
there is a world of difference between knowledge and behavior, or applying that
knowledge to make changes in our lives. There are many things we may know and
want to do, but don’t or can’t when we’re under pressure. This is especially
true when it comes to emotional intelligence.
Emotional
intelligence is not learned in the standard intellectual way; it must be
learned and understood on an emotional level. We can’t simply read about
emotional intelligence or master it through memorization. In order to learn
about emotional intelligence in a way that produces change, we need to engage
the emotional parts of the brain in ways that connect us to others. This kind
of learning is based on what we see, hear, and feel. Intellectual understanding
is an important first step, but the development of emotional intelligence
depends on sensory, nonverbal learning and real-life
practice.
Developing emotional intelligence through five key
skills:
Emotional
intelligence consists of five key skills, each building on the last:
§ Emotional intelligence (EQ) skill 1: The ability to
quickly reduce stress.
§ Emotional intelligence (EQ) skill 2: The ability to
recognize and manage your emotions.
§ Emotional intelligence (EQ) skill 3: The ability to
connect with others using nonverbal communication.
§ Emotional intelligence (EQ) skill 4: The ability to
use humor and play to deal with challenges.
§ Emotional intelligence (EQ) skill 5: The ability to
resolve conflicts positively and with confidence.
The five skills of
emotional intelligence can be learned by anyone, at anytime. But there is a
difference between learning about emotional intelligence and applying that
knowledge to your life. Just because you know you should do
something doesn’t mean you will—especially when you’re feeling stressed. This
is especially true when it comes to the skills of emotional intelligence.
Raising your emotional intelligence by engaging
your emotions
When you become
overwhelmed by stress, the emotional parts of your brain override the rational
parts—hijacking your best-laid plans, intentions, and strategies. In order to
permanently change behavior in ways that stand up under pressure, you need to
learn how to take advantage of the powerful emotional parts of the brain that
remain active and accessible even in times of stress. This means that you can’t
simply read about emotional intelligence in order to master it. You have to
learn the skills on a deeper, emotional level—experiencing and practicing them
in your everyday life.
When we’re under high
levels of stress, rational thinking and decision making go out the window.
Runaway stress overwhelms the mind and body, getting in the way of our ability
to accurately “read” a situation, hear what someone else is saying, be aware of
our own feelings and needs, and communicate clearly.
The first key skill of emotional intelligence is the ability to quickly calm yourself down when you’re feeling overwhelmed. Being able to manage stress in the moment is the key to resilience. This emotional intelligence skill helps you stay balanced, focused, and in control–no matter what challenges you face.
The first key skill of emotional intelligence is the ability to quickly calm yourself down when you’re feeling overwhelmed. Being able to manage stress in the moment is the key to resilience. This emotional intelligence skill helps you stay balanced, focused, and in control–no matter what challenges you face.
Stress busting: functioning well in the heat of the
moment
Develop your stress
busting skills by working through the following three steps:
§ Realize when you’re stressed – The first step to reducing stress is
recognizing what stress feels like. Many of us spend so much time in an
unbalanced state that we’ve forgotten what it feels like to be calm and
relaxed.
§ Identify your stress response – Everyone reacts differently to stress. Do
you tend to space out and get depressed? Become angry and agitated? Freeze with
anxiety? The best way to quickly calm yourself depends on your specific stress
response.
§ Discover the stress busting techniques that work
for you – The best way to reduce stress
quickly is through the senses: through sight, sound, smell, taste, and touch.
But each person responds differently to sensory input, so you need to find
things that are soothing to you.
The second key skill
of emotional intelligence is having a moment-to-moment awareness of your
emotions and how they influence your thoughts and actions. Emotional awareness
is the key to understanding yourself and others.
Many people are
disconnected from their emotions–especially strong core emotions such as anger,
sadness, fear, and joy. But although we can distort, deny, or numb our
feelings, we can’t eliminate them. They’re still there, whether we’re aware of
them or not. Unfortunately, without emotional awareness, we are unable to fully
understand our own motivations and needs, or to communicate effectively with
others.
What kind of a relationship do you have with your
emotions?
§ Do you experience feelings that flow, encountering one emotion after another as your
experiences change from moment to moment?
§ Are your emotions accompanied by physical
sensations that you experience in
places like your stomach or chest?
§ Do you experience discrete feelings and emotions, such as anger, sadness, fear, joy, each of which
is evident in subtle facial expressions?
§ Can you experience intense feelings that are strong enough to capture both your
attention and that of others?
§ Do you pay attention to your emotions? Do they factor into your decision making?
If any of these
experiences are unfamiliar, your emotions may be turned down or turned off. In
order to be emotionally healthy and emotionally intelligent, you must reconnect
to your core emotions, accept them, and become comfortable with them.
Being a good
communicator requires more than just verbal skills. Oftentimes, what we
say is less important than how we say it or the other
nonverbal signals we send out. In order to hold the attention of others and
build connection and trust, we need to be aware of and in control of our
nonverbal cues. We also need to be able to accurately read and respond to the
nonverbal cues that other people send us.
Nonverbal
communication is the third skill of emotional intelligence. This wordless form
of communication is emotionally driven. It asks the questions: “Are you
listening?” and “Do you understand and care?” Answers to these questions are
expressed in the way we listen, look, move, and react. Our nonverbal messages
will produce a sense of interest, trust, excitement, and desire for
connection–or they will generate fear, confusion, distrust, and disinterest.
Part of improving nonverbal communication involves
paying attention to:
§ Eye contact
§ Facial expression
§ Tone of voice
§ Posture and gesture
§ Touch
§ Timing and pace
To
learn more, see Nonverbal Communication Skills:
The Power of Nonverbal Communication and Body Language.
Humor, laughter, and play are natural antidotes to
life’s difficulties. They lighten our burdens and help us keep things in
perspective. A good hearty laugh reduces stress, elevates mood, and brings our
nervous system back into balance.
The ability to deal
with challenges using humor and play is the fourth skill of emotional
intelligence. Playful communication broadens our emotional intelligence and helps
us:
§ Take hardships in stride. By allowing us to view our frustrations and
disappointments from new perspectives, laughter and play enable us to survive
annoyances, hard times, and setbacks.
§ Smooth over differences. Using gentle humor often helps us say things that
might be otherwise difficult to express without creating a flap.
§ Simultaneously relax and energize ourselves. Playful communication relieves fatigue and
relaxes our bodies, which allows us to recharge and accomplish more.
§ Become more creative. When we loosen up, we free ourselves of rigid ways
of thinking and being, allowing us to get creative and see things in new ways.
To
learn more, see Playful Communication Skills: ThePower of Laughter, Humor, and Play
Conflict and
disagreements are inevitable in relationships. Two people can’t possibly have
the same needs, opinions, and expectations at all times. However, that needn’t
be a bad thing! Resolving conflict in healthy, constructive ways can strengthen
trust between people. When conflict isn’t perceived as threatening or
punishing, it fosters freedom, creativity, and safety in relationships.
The ability to manage
conflicts in a positive, trust-building way is the fifth key skill of emotional
intelligence. Successfully resolving differences is supported by the previous
four skills of emotional intelligence. Once you know how to manage stress, stay
emotionally present and aware, communicate nonverbally, and use humor and play,
you’ll be better equipped to handle emotionally-charged situations and catch
and defuse many issues before they escalate.
Tips for resolving conflict in a trust-building
way:
§ Stay focused in the present. When we are not holding on to old hurts and
resentments, we can recognize the reality of a current situation and view it as
a new opportunity for resolving old feelings about conflicts.
§ Choose your arguments. Arguments take time and energy, especially if you
want to resolve them in a positive way. Consider what is worth arguing about
and what is not.
§ Forgive.
If you continue to be hurt or mistreated, protect yourself. But someone else’s
hurtful behavior is in the past, remember that conflict resolution involves
giving up the urge to punish.
§ End conflicts that can't be resolved. It takes two people to keep an argument going. You
can choose to disengage from a conflict, even if you still disagree.
To
learn more, see Conflict Resolution Skills:
Managing and Resolving Conflict
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